TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, the city historically known for ancient tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be incredible. Large!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed from your Placing green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Many of the ideal. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and entirely away from place. Intended by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable water. But Indeed, guaranteed, let us have One more put wherever American Adult men can wear robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst preceding negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: supply everyone a set to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often delicate electrical power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements much less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each and every unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It's not that Trump should not open a tower inside a war zone. It is that he need to prevent employing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested concerning the job, replied, "You realize, man, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit Trump Tower Damascus revealed that the lodge's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head visible from Place, a feature getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and also the chin is… effectively, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following locating the constructing's gold plating reflected much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fire to a local melon cart.


"It can be not only ugly. It is a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Confusing Features


Perhaps the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium exactly where guests may ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local weather Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Area Syrians are unsure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Technique: "Should you Bomb It, They are going to Appear"


The advert marketing campaign, lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Eternally."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "where by's the nearest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is previously attracting interest from Global buyers, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll buy three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree will even incorporate:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space According to the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait to find out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a lodge the place my PTSD may have change-down provider."


A different write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Studies propose:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to create a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Ultimate Views through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It necessary gold. It essential a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."

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